Friday, April 27, 2012

Biff and Mary: Chapter 8

Welcome back for more Biff and Mary!
Hope this chapter provides an amusing start to your weekend! J

(For those who'd like to read from the beginning, click the "Biff and Mary" tab above, or click here )

We last left our effusively extravagant and extremely obtuse protagonists at the proverbial cliff’s edge, as Mary – basking in the relief of a Hurricane finally named Bruce – awaits the rest of Biff’s question…

Chapter 8:  In Which Mary and Biff Converse on Very Important Subjects

Mary felt her heart stop.  
It started beating again almost instantly, to her great relief, but before that happened it felt as though it had stopped and dropped directly into her stomach.  Her memories of fourth-grade basic human anatomy studies assured her that this was more than likely not possible, but still it felt that way, and filled her mind momentarily with a curious vision of her heart sharing space next to her forthcoming Caesar Salad and Tiramisu, sloshing around with espresso and mineral water and a dollop of whipped cream, but happily this disturbing image vanished quickly as the reality of Biff’s intriguing words sank into her brain (which luckily hadn’t dropped anywhere, as yet. As far as she knew.).
Biff’s voice broke into her anatomical meanderings and she shook her head to clear it.
“Uh, yes, Biff.  What was it that you wanted to ask me?” she said, as calmly as she could.
Could this be IT? she wondered.  Could this be the moment she had dreamed of since she’d played with her Barbie and Ken dolls and their Town House, Camper and sporty convertible of undetermined make and model so long ago? Could Biff be asking her THE question?  She glanced down at her nails, vaguely wishing she’d chosen a different color at the salon, because the plum color simply wouldn’t set off the shining grandeur of a…
Her thoughts cut off abruptly once more as Biff cleared his throat nervously, looking uncharacteristically lacking in confidence as he shifted his gaze to the table.
“Well, I wanted to ask you if…er…that is, if you would consider….”

Friday, April 20, 2012

Biff and Mary: Chapters 6 and 7

For those who'd like to read from the beginning, I've added a separate page which contains the entire story up to this point (check navigation bar, above, or click here).  I will add to it each time I post an update.Again, I feel the need to point out that this is merely my own little humorous exercise in "What Not to Do," shared for mutual laughs, and not meant to be considered Serious Writing by any means! ;)Welcome back for more Biff and Mary!Hope you enjoy today's chapters! :)

Chapter 6: Wherein Biff Befriends Bitsy

Mary leapt up from her seat as her friend drew near, drawing her into a warm hug before turning toward Biff, who had risen in a gentlemanly fashion, as one did when a woman approached one’s table, if one had been raised right. 
“Biff, meet Bitsy Buffington, my best friend from Buffalo!”
She turned to Bitsy.  “Bitsy, my beau, Biff!”
Biff grasped Bitsy’s hand with a firm-but-definitely-not-too-firm amount of pressure, as was appropriate when a man was introduced to a woman.  “A pleasure, Miss Buffington.”
“Oh, please call me Bitsy!” she said, “Everyone does!”
Bitsy was petite and poised, and enveloped in a tasteful ensemble consisting of a pink and white pinstriped linen skirt with four one-inch rose-colored buttons at the side, its hem approximately two and one-half inches above her knees, topped by a lightweight cashmere sweater set in Powder Pink, purchased at Prudence’s Practical Petites Boutique in Poughkeepsie, finished with two-inch heeled matching pumps and tasteful teardrop pearl earrings. 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Biff and Mary, Chapters 4 and 5

Welcome back for another episode of "The Amorous Adventures of Biff and Mary"!

(Note:  As much of this is already written, I will be updating frequently, as time allows, though not on a regular schedule. Please feel free to check back or subscribe for new posts!

Need to catch up?  Previous chapters:

Introducing Biff and Mary

Biff and Mary, Chapters 2 and 3

Hope to bring a smile to your face today! :)

Chapter 4: Mary’s Journey Toward the Bistro Continues…

When we last checked in with our devoted and descriptive duo, poor blemished Biff was preparing for brunch and our exceptionally ensembled Mary was breathlessly awaiting his response to her enigmatic statement about unpacking boxes…

Mary switched her cell phone to her right hand and used her left to push the button on her door, closing her windows to block out the cacophony of blowing horns emanating from the Toyota, the Chrysler, the GMC and the Volkswagon, which had now been joined by a Mustang and a Prius. She was determined to stay right where she was, knowing that her beloved beau, Biff, deserved her undivided attention and certain that if she had a moment (or two…or possibly three) to devote to explaining her various dilemmas to the crowd of motorists behind her, they would surely understand and would very happily wait until she was ready to drive again.  This thought brought about an overall feeling of solidarity and companionship with her new friends in the post office parking lot and she spared a moment to look over her shoulder at the line of cars behind her to offer them her most grateful and dazzling Crest White Strips smile, perfectly set off by the careful outlining of her lips in Cover Girl Long Wear Lipstick in Coquettish Coral and finished off with a precisely choreographed wave, flawlessly emulating that of Her Majesty The Queen, who had waved so beautifully to the crowds of well-wishers at the wedding of her grandson, Prince William, to the lovely and fashionable Kate Middleton.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Biff and Mary: Chapters 2 and 3

Welcome back for more adventures in the shallow-yet-extremely-well-detailed lives of Biff and Mary!

(Catch up on previous chapter first: Biff and Mary, Chapter 1)

Please note:  "The Amorous Adventures of Biff and Mary" are written for fun and as an extreme exaggeration of certain tropes and habits in over-thought and overly-descriptive writing.  I am in no way serious, nor am I basing any of this on anything or anyone.  Just hoping to give you a laugh today!  :)

Chapter 2: Wherein Mary Makes Her Way to Her Car and Enters It:

When we last saw Mary, our blonde heroine in a polyester/cotton blend periwinkle dress with matching shoes and earrings was contemplating lawn slugs, dings in her Honda Civic, and the horrific possibility of her beau, Biff, soon becoming known as Balding Hurricane Biff with a Blighting Blemish...we join her now, on the front walk, approximately one minute and twelve seconds after we left her...

Mary turned 142 degrees to her left before proceeding down the sidewalk, which had several weeds growing in between at least twenty-four of the one hundred and two bricks of which it was made. As she walked she noticed a bird flying above her. She squinted in order to discern its type, and found that it was a robin, though she could not tell whether or not it was male or female. She paused to consider following the bird, because of course knowing whether or not the bird she'd glanced at was a male or a female was of the utmost importance today, as she was due to meet Biff for brunch at Bart's Bistro and if she should decide to relate the occurrence to Biff, he was sure to want all of the details....She watched the bird alight and then hop from branch to branch on the large oak tree in the yard but soon shrugged her slender, periwinkle-clad shoulders and decided that like her, Biff would likely be too preoccupied with possibility of the "B" hurricane, as well as the unfortunate blemish between his perfectly groomed, thick, blonde-but-not-light-brown eyebrows, to want to hear about the bird of unknown gender at all. A frown, which at this stage in her hitherto un-Botoxed life consisted of merely three two-inch creases and one 3/4 inch wrinkle near the bridge of her nose, appeared slightly above her sculpted, light brown-but-not-blond-and-certainly-not-red eyebrows as she momentarily contemplated the calamities that had befallen both her and her beau Biff in so short a span of time, what with the blemish, the hurricane, the lawn slugs and the car ding, all seeming to overwhelm them at once and thus threatening their otherwise flawless and surely fated love.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Introducing Biff and Mary: Chapter 1

Quite some time ago, a good friend and I were discussing writing and the subject of adjective overuse came up. This led to a light-hearted chat about some common mistakes we all tend to make when we first begin writing creatively, specifically the prevalence of excess description, too-perfect heroes and heroines, and just basic "over-writing."

Just for fun, I started a mini story about a couple named Biff and Mary, whose new romance is often sadly overshadowed by extraneous detail.  Their mutual shallowness is only rivaled by the abundance of unnecessary drama in their lives...not to mention the superfluous ellipses.

I thought it would be fun to share Biff and Mary's romance with all of you and so, without further ado (though I might warn you that this will be the last time anything having to do with Biff and Mary will be done without any further ado), I introduce to you the pleasantly perfect, perfectly matched and excessively exhaustive Biff and Mary:

Chapter 1:  Mary Steps Through the Door

Mary ran a hand through the ends of her shoulder-length, pale blonde hair, which she had just had tinted by her stylist last Tuesday, and had run a brush through twenty minutes earlier, before pulling it back into a purple and yellow scrunchy approximately three inches up from the nape of her neck. She shut the dark green, painted pine front door with two scratches on the brass knob, which matched the oval-shaped brass door knocker (which did not have any scratches that she knew of), and stepped off the brick step onto the grass, which was a mixture of Kentucky bluegrass and weeds, and had a few bald spots caused by slugs, for which she'd called the Loversville Landscape Company, who were due to arrive the following day at precisely 8:15 am, barring traffic caused by any unforseen traffic events or delays in line at the coffee shop.

Her thoughts wandered to the evening before, when Biff had kissed her. His hair, which was a lovely sun-kissed blond with approximately 23 darker streaks mixed in, which she had yet to determine were natural or the result of an expert colorist, had blown around slightly in the breeze caused by the cold front coming in from the south, which they both hoped wouldn't turn into a hurricane force wind, because the next hurricane was due to be named with a "B" and for all Mary knew it would be named "Biff" and she would forever associate the love of her life and his perfectly-shaded hair with a devastating windstorm...

And when Biff had grasped her deeply moisturized and expertly-blushed-by-Maybelline face between his well-manicured hands and kissed her in the possibly-soon-to-become-a-hurricane breeze, his breath had evoked memories of the finely-aged red wine they’d had with dinner, as well as the breaded pork chop, marinated asparagus and slightly overcooked rice pilaf, with a slight aftertaste of cherry cheesecake....he had pressed his lips to hers with precisely the right amount of passion-inducing pressure, and she’d felt the scratchy friction of his stubbly beard, which had grown in slightly despite (he had assured her in his ever-so-gallant reassuringly manly way) his efforts of shaving it that morning at 7:32 with a Bic razor and Barbasol shave cream, rinsed with warm water and followed by a splash of Old Spice. He’d leaned his forehead against hers, and she was drawn back in time to the evening before, when she’d noted the blemish there, just between his thick, dark-blond-but-not-to-be-confused-with-light-brown brows, and she had suggested he use some Clearasil cream, but he'd insisted that Neosporin would do the trick.  He had apparently been mistaken because the blemish had remained, casting a skin-reddened taint upon their near-perfect romantic moment just as she had begun to appreciate the thoroughly masculine aroma of his thirty-nine-dollar cologne.

Mary smoothed the knee-length skirt of her periwinkle, 80% cotton/20% polyester dress, which matched her leather heels with the astonishingly adorable little buckles, as well as her sensible-yet-sexy hoop earrings with hypoallergenic posts, and sighed. It wasn't a quiet sigh, nor was it a heavy was the type of sigh that you can hear if you are sitting within three feet of the other person, but not from across the room...anyhoo, she smoothed her periwinkle polyester/cotton blend skirt and sighed as she stood looking at the bald spots on the lawn and thought once more of Biff, hoping against hope that such bald spots would never mar that beautiful head of perfectly nuanced hair, as the unfortunate blemish had marred his forehead. Yes, her beloved Biff, who she also wished would not soon become forevermore known as Hurricane Biff, and whose blemished pate still drew her like Lyle Lovett’s warbling scarecrow sounds had once drawn Pretty Woman Julia Roberts.  

She sighed again, a bit louder than before but certainly not audibly enough to be heard from farther than four feet away, and she glanced at her car. It was a pearl white Honda Civic with 62,421 miles on it, freshly washed the morning before by the cheerleaders at the Loversville High School Car Wash Fundraiser for Perfectly Pink Pom-Poms,  and it shone brightly in the sun that had broken through the possible hurricane clouds.  The Civic had last had its oil changed on November 23rd at 10:02 am, and that was when she had first noticed the ding on one side that she had never had repaired, and which of course haunted her still each and every day. Between the lawn slugs, the hurricane, the dismaying door ding and her beloved Biff and his blemish (not to mention his possible future baldness and tragic association with potential storm damage which could lead to the necessity of naming any future offspring "Gale" or "Windy") .... Well. Mary feared it was bound to be an emotionally trying day... 

(To Be Continued.....)